Coming to Rome I had a lot on my mind; traveling thousands of miles away, finishing up a difficult semester, and just trying to relax during this all too short break. Within the first couple of days I realized how much I liked Rome, probably because it reminds me a lot of New York City, just a lot older and no skyscrapers.
The first thing we saw upon arrival and a quick nap was a stop by the Colosseum, followed by a trip to the Cathedral de San Clemente and then the Archbasilica of St. John Lateran, the pope's church! On the second day we found ourselves at the Galleria Borghese admiring the marble masterpieces of Bernini, and at the Jewish Synagogue learning the history of early Roman Jews.
Visiting all of these museums and landmarks kind of became the new normal while visiting here in Rome, but it all seemed to change on the third day when we stepped into the Vatican City, visiting St. Peter's Basilica. I honestly didn't know what to expect on this day, yes we were going to see another church and yes we were visiting this infamously holy land, but it was beyond anything I could fathom.
Firstly we ventured into the depths of the church, getting a tour of the Necropolis and seeing the bones of St. Peter the Apostle, hidden inside of the "graffiti wall." This was all interesting of course, but I had no idea what was in store for me. After this tour we ventured to the top of the Cupola, a mere total of 551 steps climbed to reach the top. This is when I started to feel nostalgia that I hadn't felt in a long time, bringing up memories that were seemingly forgotten.
Climbing up those many, many stairs reminded me of when I was a kid and would climb to the top of the church steeple of my Uncle Jerry's church, where he was priest of the St. Augustine perish in Lebanon, KY. Although St. Peter's had quite a few more steps, once you reached the top you were rewarded with a miraculous view of nearly the entire city of Rome, just like the view I would get of that small little rural town. The nostalgia didn't end there, but continued once we went down into the nave of the church taking in it's full beauty. I saw Bernini's Canopy and the Michelangelo's Pieta, and eventually found myself venturing into the Blessed Sacrament Chapel, a quiet space reserved for prayer. That's when it all hit me, I saw the beauty of the massive golden angels framing the altar, feeling the stillness of the air, followed by the ceasing of the mindless chatter.
In this moment I began to reflect on my entire religious identity, specifically with where it began, growing up and being raised Catholic. Instantly an unexplainable emotion overfilled me, with tears peaking at the corner of my eyes. It wasn't that I was overwhelmed, it wasn't that I was happy or even sad, but it honestly was unexplainable. I hadn't truly prayed in many years until this very moment, and that's because I felt the presence of my God. Maybe this God isn't the same one I thought I knew growing up that I identified with many Catholic traditions for so long, but maybe this was the God that has walked with me and been in each of the truly transformative obstacles I have encountered throughout my twenty-one years. In this moment I was beyond connected with my humanity, where I have come from, where I was then, and where I will go from there.
This spiritual encounter was the last thing I expected to find in St. Peter's, the whole idea of even entering a church has honestly made me uncomfortable for the past couple of years, but this experience was different. I have grown to realize I don't necessarily abide by the God I was taught about, the big bearded man in the sky, but rather I have found and learned about my own God, a being and a energy that walks with me and engulfs the life that surrounds. I also realized I shouldn't feel any sort of regret for creating my own path of belief, because it is just as valid and as moving as the several many others seem to follow.
While here in Rome I not only explored history, reminisced on memories of my childhood, but also came to a closer understanding and peace with my belief in God.
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